It's a night of reflection

Eating oyster crackers makes me feel like a 2-year-old. I can't decide if that's a good thing.

I was once told, by a good friend, that I'd never have kids. She could never see me having kids, and it hurt at the time to hear her say that but it's something I've come to understand over time. I love kids sure, I love other people's kids 'cause I don't have to take them home. I love my little brother but I have no patience when it comes to teaching him anything. I just expect him to understand what I'm talking about with little to no explanation. It could be different with my own children, but you never know.

They say you're the product of your surroundings. If I grew up in Indiana I think I'd be fucked up. There are things I think about late at night: if I didn't move to Indiana what would I have been like? Would I have the same personality, would I like the same things, would I do the same things?

Sometimes I get this twitch in my bottom right eyelid. My mom says it's from stress and then she tries to pry out my thoughts, tries to get me to talk about whatever it is that doesn't allow me to go to sleep when I get in bed. I don't talk, I never do.

Sometimes I cry because I hate myself. It's not a volatile, pain-inflicting hate, it's a hate filled with criticism for faults and appearances and lack of courage. It's one of those things that keeps me up late at night. One of those things that makes me feel like I need a psychiatrist, or a friend to pour my heart out to, or a blog to say whatever the fuck I want.

Nobody reads this. Sometimes I think it's a good thing. I've got false courage when my voice isn't projecting, when it's just my thoughts in a visual stream of words. But sometimes I want to write things, want to get things off my chest, but I'm afraid that people will read, that people will criticize, they'll laugh, they'll mock, they'll shy away, run away.

Sometimes I try to make some newly-found aspects of myself blatantly obvious, yet people ignore them. Or at least they don't care enough to acknowledge that something big has happened to me this summer. That something profound has occurred.

I like going out in crowds. I like watching people. I like lust at first sight. I like smiling at strangers. I like meeting new people. I like hustle. I like bustle. I like noise. I like confusion.

I love gummi worms
& mystery novels
& the shuffle function on my iTunes.

kthxbye.